Elnathan John Read online

  BE(COM)ING NIGERIAN:

  A GUIDE

  Elnathan John

  To all who feel personally attacked or offended by something in this book,

  With love.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  I’d like to acknowledge Nigeria, with whom I am (still) in an abusive relationship.

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Acknowledgements

  INTRODUCTION

  In The Beginning…

  SPIRITUAL

  How To Worship The Nigerian God

  How To Be A Pastor

  How To Fly Private To The Glory Of God

  IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

  How To Be Sick

  How To Die

  TEMPORAL

  How To Show Love

  How To Own A Slave

  How To Communicate In Times Of Crises

  How To Conduct A Meeting

  How To Be A Car Owner

  WORKING CLASS, WORKING HARD

  How To Use A Business Card

  How To Identify A Middle Class Nigerian

  How To Be A Mechanic

  How To Be A Nigerian Writer

  How To Be A Journalist

  How To Be A Kidnapper

  LAW AND LAW ENFORCEMENT

  How To Be A Lawyer

  How To Be A Police Officer

  POLITRICKING

  How To Be A Politician

  How To Be First Lady

  How To Be An Opposition Politician

  INTERNATIONAL CONNECTIONS

  How To Get Foreign Friends

  How To Be A Good African

  SAVIOURS LOCAL AND INTERNATIONAL

  How To Run A Nigerian NGO

  How To Be A Black Saviour

  WHEN IN NIGERIA… NOTES FOR THE FOREIGNER IN NIGERIA

  How To Be An Expatriate In Nigeria

  Tips For The Foreign Journalist Covering Nigerian Elections

  APPENDIX AND TRAVEL ADVICE

  Travel Advice For Nigerians Going To The U.S.

  Travel Advice For Nigerians Going To The UK

  Common Nigerian Phrases And Expressions

  About the Author

  Copyright

  INTRODUCTION

  Never, ever, explain satire.

  — Elnathan John, 2019.

  IN THE BEGINNING…

  THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO NIGERIA

  Chapter 1

  1 In the beginning the British created the Northern and Southern protectorates. Now, the nation was

  formless and empty and darkness covered our collective identity. 2 And the British said: ‘Let there be

  Nigeria.’ And there was Nigeria. And the British saw that Nigeria was good (for them) and they

  separated the ruling class from the serfs. 3 And the British said: ‘Just as we have a vault between us

  and you, let there be a vault to separate the rulers from the citizens.’ 4 So the British created Nigeria

  in their own image, in the image of their colonial rulership they created it; oppressor and oppressed

  they created them. 5 And there was independence from the British and there were coups and counter

  coups and there were military dictators. 6 And the decades passed and the military rulers stripped

  their garbs and uniforms and transformed into civilian rulers. And they declared: ‘Old things have

  passed away and all things have become new.’

  Chapter 2

  1 For our military dictators loved the country so much that they gave up their only begotten uniforms

  and the right to make decrees, that whosoever believed in them and voted for them should be stuck

  with them until their old age.

  Chapter 3

  1 And it came about that a usurper who was not a military dictator found his way to the throne, through

  natural deaths and impeachments, and he came upon Nigerians like a thief in the night. 2 And he came

  not to build but to steal and destroy. And he left Nigerians blind and poor. 3 And Nigerians looked to

  a former dictator and said to him: ‘Lord, we know not where we are going.’ 4 And he answered them

  and said: ‘I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to good governance except through me.’ 5

  And he gained followers and drove out the usurper who had left Nigerians blind and poor. 6 And his

  followers said: ‘Lord show us the way and that will be enough for us. Show us Change.’ 7 And he

  answered them and said: ‘Do you believe that I am good governance and good governance is me? You

  may ask for anything in my name and I will do it.’ 8 And his followers worshipped him and sang his

  praises day and night. 9 And when his ministers proved incompetent, his followers praised him and

  denounced the ministers. 10 And when the people began to groan under much suffering, they looked

  unto their benevolent dictator. 11 And he said to them: ‘If you love me, keep my commands. Hate those

  who hate me and love those who love me. My enemies cannot accept me, because they neither see me

  nor know me. But you know me, for I live with you and will be in you.’ 12 And some sceptics said,

  ‘But, Lord, why do your ministers in 2018 do silly things like wear silly red berets and have nothing

  under the berets?’ 13 And the benevolent dictator replied, ‘Anyone who loves me will obey my

  teaching. Anyone who does not love me will not obey my teaching.’

  Chapter 4

  1 For the shameless will inherit the land and they will dwell in it in an abundance of peace. 2 For the

  shameless, instead of shame there shall be a double portion; for the wicked and corrupt instead of

  dishonour, they shall rejoice in their lot; they shall have everlasting joy and in their old age be called

  elder statesmen. 3 And the last shall be the first.

  Chapter 5

  1 If I fight for the human rights of random individuals or of enemies of the Lord but do not have loyalty

  to the benevolent dictator, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of

  turning the economy around and can fathom all the mysteries of the parallel market and if I am angry

  that pilgrims get dollars and not business men and women but do not have loyalty to the dictator and

  love for him, I am nothing. 2 Love is patient (with inefficiency), love is kind (even in the face of

  massacres). It does not envy the benevolent dictator, it does not boast that it can do better. It is not

  proud. 3 Love keeps no record of wrongs, whether those wrongs happened in 1984 and are being

  repeated or those wrongs lead to hundreds of people being secretly buried. 4 Love does not delight in

  evil except where that evil happens to people we do not like, such as strange ethnic groups or

  religions or sexualities. 5 But love rejoices with the truth: and the truth is what the benevolent dictator

  says it is. 6 Love always protects the interest of the dictator and blames only his ministers for things

  that go wrong. 7 Love never fails. 8 But where there is common sense, it will cease. Whether there are

  industries, they will cease. Where there is electricity, it will reduce. And where there is a great

  football team, it will diminish. Where there are cheap dollars, they will be reserved for pilgrims and

  billionaires. 9 For we know in part and we pontificate through newspaper articles and blogs in part,

  but when completeness through our benevolent dictator (and his minions) arrives, what is in part

  disappears.

  Chapter 6

  1 The benevolent
dictator is my shepherd, I shall lack nothing. 2 He makes me lie down in hunger and

  fear, but only because it leads me to righteousness. 3 He refreshes my soul. 4 He guides me along his

  own paths for his name’s sake. 5 Even though I walk through the darkest valley with no electricity, I

  will fear no evil, for he is with me. 6 His rod and his staff with which he makes hundreds of Shiites

  disappear, they comfort me.

  Chapter 7

  1 Blessed are [those who steal from] the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of political rebirths. 2

  Blessed are those who [make others like Shiites] mourn, for they will be comforted [by the silence of

  dead and putrefied bodies]. 3 Blessed are [those who despise] the meek for they will inherit the earth.

  4 Blessed are those with good political alliances, for even when they are caught, they will be shown

  mercy. 5 Blessed are [those who hate] the pure in heart, for they will see the inner walls of the Villa. 6

  Blessed are those who trend political hashtags, for theirs is the kingdom of bank alerts. 7 Blessed are

  the kidnappers, for their ransom money will come intact and without repercussion. 8 Blessed are

  those with a long career of theft and destruction, for they will be called elder statesmen.

  Chapter 8

  1 The benevolent dictator gathered all his disciples and taught them a new prayer. He said, 2 You must

  pray then this way: 3 ‘Our Father, who art Aliko, hallowed be thy wealth 4 Thy monopolies come 5

  Thy will be done in this government as it was in the previous [ones] 6 Give us this day, your refinery

  (as we give you our cheap dollars) 7 Forgive us our suspicions as we have forgiven those who are

  suspicious of us 8 And lead us not into temptation to break your monopolies (and empower other

  entrepreneurs), but deliver us from the evil ones who challenge [y]our government. 9 For thine is the

  sugar, the flour and the cement (and rice and spaghetti), forever and ever, Amen.’

  SPIRITUAL

  HOW TO WORSHIP THE NIGERIAN GOD

  The Nigerian God is one. It may have various manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the

  same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians all

  worship the Nigerian God.

  For all those who want to become better worshipers, this is for you.

  If you are a new or prospective convert, this is how you must serve him in your day to day life.

  You will be richly blessed for choosing the Nigerian God. (And in case you were wondering, yes, the

  Nigerian God is a full-blooded Nigerian male).

  The prayer

  First, let me clarify: a few people confuse being a worshiper with complicated things like character,

  good work or righteousness. The fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers

  does not mean that you intend to do what is right. It nonetheless means that the opening prayer is

  important. Nothing, I repeat nothing, can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate

  contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections,

  begin with a prayer. The Nigerian God appreciates communication.

  When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you

  will come this weekend, you must say — in addition to “Yes” — “By God’s grace” or “God willing”

  or “insha Allah”. It doesn’t matter what language you use. Just say it. The Nigerian God likes to be

  consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see one of your [other] lovers.

  Sometimes, when you have impressed one of your many lovers with your sexual prowess and they

  look at you in amazement, just say: ‘Baby, I give God all the glory.’

  The loudspeaker

  When worshipping the Nigerian God, be loud. No, the Nigerian God is not hard of hearing. He just

  appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian God doesn’t

  care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make

  sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loudspeakers even if there are only two of you in the building.

  Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

  Enemies

  This is how the Nigerian God judges people who are your enemies — evil people who want to spoil

  your hustle; your colleagues who don’t want your promotion; your single old aunties who secretly

  don’t want you to marry that rich handsome man (who you haven’t met yet); your neighbours who are

  blocking you spiritually from getting pregnant — He consumes them by fire. He returns all their evil

  plans to sender. So, when making requests about all your enemies, do not pray that they be forgiven or

  that they change. Pray that the Nigerian God kills them off in a blazing, holy fire.

  Attribution

  Attribute everything to the Nigerian God. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and you are

  able to afford that new Mercedes, when people say you have a nice car, say, ‘Na God’. If someone

  asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, ‘God has been good to me’ or ‘My God is faithful’. By

  this you mean the Nigerian God who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

  Consult the Nigerian God when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian God understands that

  we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in

  charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

  Elections

  The Nigerian God loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party

  nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or

  voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually (through God’s

  grace) win the election, you must begin by declaring that your success is the will of the almighty and

  living God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. Mere mortals should not

  complain about who God chooses to reward with political success.

  Respect

  The Nigerian God does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for

  anyone like them and kill them. It doesn’t matter what you use — sticks, machetes, grenade launchers,

  IED’s, AK47’s. The Nigerian God sometimes appreciates a good beheading for people who

  blaspheme. If the person who insults your religion is online and you can’t locate them, feel free to

  threaten to kill them. Like we say: “at all-at all na im bad pass”. Something is better than nothing at

  all.

  Miracles

  The Nigerian God performs signs and wonders. He does everything from curing HIV to high blood

  pressure. And the Nigerian God is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference

  between blue and green when the man of God asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant

  English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by

  evil demons and not infections. Every case of infertility for example is caused by witches and demons

  and not things like endometriosis or low sperm motility. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the

  Nigerian God.

  PS. The Nigerian God does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

  Money

  The Nigerian God loves money. Because money answe
reth all things. You know how Nigeria is —

  things may be difficult, but they are always possible with money. You can get everything: healthcare,

  security, clean water, electricity, love, and miracles, when you have money. The Nigerian God knows

  this and tries to crowdfund in the event of a demand for miracles. So, no, please, don’t mess with the

  Nigerian God’s money stream. Don’t blaspheme by challenging things like tithes. Who will pay for

  that private jet or the mansions and cars?

  The Internet

  If you worship the Nigerian God, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not

  worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

  The Nigerian God is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on

  Facebook or Twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian God marks as

  holy. So, you may forward obscene photos, insult people, pass on lewd jokes all days except the

  Nigerian holy days. On those holy days, put up statuses saying how you are crazy about God.

  The Nigerian God also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: “Now in Church” or “This guy

  in front of me needs to stop dozing” when performing acts of worship. Also, there is nothing like a

  Twitter hashtag with your pastor’s Sunday sermon: #SundaysWithJesus #JesusRocks #SundaySermon

  #Crazy4JC.

  In all, the Nigerian God is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets.

  And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.

  HOW TO BE A PASTOR

  So, you have learnt how to worship the Nigerian God but you want to take it a step further and serve

  Him more fully. Being a pastor is one of the most rewarding things you can do as a Nigerian. Here is

  how to do it:

  Fly private.

  A man of God should not suffer any discomfort while doing the work of the Lord. That is why you are

  rightly called a man of God. You are too divine to spend time waiting at the airport like ordinary

  people do. If they are so upset by your private jet, they should go and question the God who blessed

  your hustle and lifted you above your poor followers. Later, I will provide an in-depth explanation of

  how to fly private to the glory of God.